part 5...kinda goes off on a tangent, but it still wanted to come out. I am putting it in here still as well as the public forum, jic anyone feels safer responding in here :)
I suppose that’s all of the ‘nasty’ stuff out…
Its amazing how things can change when you get some decent support, and its interesting and annoying (to me anyway) how people make assumptions about my current feelings/opinions based on stuff that happened back then…even knowing that I was not well then at all.
Because I had a c/s then I must be pro c/s, pro women being able to choose having c/s’s etc, I’m not allowed to say, you know, I did the wrong thing, it was stupid, I wish I didn’t have one.
I haven’t even attempted to say to anyone (other than the few I am sharing this with atm) yet that I didn’t get the help I needed then, and that I feel ripped off by the ‘care’ provided by the psychiatrist… I feel I know already what ‘people’ (family of course) will say – ‘you got what you wanted’. Well sure…I was very mentally ill and got what I wanted…but did I get what I needed. No.
While I was pregnant with Indy, my older sister was also pregnant with her second child. She had an ‘emergency’ c/s with her firstborn after an attempted homebirth, so she was contemplating a repeat c/s…because it was ‘easier’, more ‘convenient’, she would be able to plan for the care of her other child for the time of ‘birth’ because she would know exactly when it would be. Unfortunately I think we shared similar fears of birthing, unfortunately I think I did what the psychiatrist did to me, to my sister. We would talk about c/s’s and I would reinforce her thoughts that it would be better for her…for us…to have one. Birth was scary, birth was unsafe, c/s’s meant control and none of the traumatic stuff we had gone through in our first birth experiences.
Since I have actually received proper psychological help and come to realise what happened I have noticed a change in the relationship with my sister.
She was one of the first people I told that I was pregnant, she was one of the first family members that I told that we were homebirthing…I thought she would share my excitement, having wanted one herself earlier. Nup.
Because I no longer share her view that c/s is okay, it is seen as a personal attack. Phonecalls used to be friendly, sisterly, loving, supportive.
Instead I find myself defending my birth choices, my life choices and my parenting choices…and I find that she has been leaking information to my mum, despite saying she wouldn’t.
She has never met my kids, yet takes offense already to their long hair, saying that I should cut it because they need to learn about society’s expectations. This moment of brilliant sisterly support came while I spoke to her about how upset I was that the ILs were taking issue with some of our parenting…she said how awful it was for them to be doing that…then started questioning all of my parenting herself, expecting me to justify it all to her and do it all as she says.
This is new. This, I feel, has happened because I dared to say I thought having a c/s was wrong and that I was going to homebirth.
My little sister had a baby last year. In early pregnancy she jokingly said to me, oh I’ll just get sliced and diced like you hey? Like as if a c/s was funny and completely okay. I was mortified that I could have passed on that kind of message to my teenage sister.
I had bad feelings about the way her pregnancy was going to end…she is small, petite, however the hell you want to put it and the seed of doubt was cast very early by a Dr questioning the width of her pelvis…*sigh*
There were plenty of women in her life that had had vaginal births, but despite their birthing ability everyone seemed all too happy to buy into the shit spun by Drs and I was the only one who would tell her she could do it, that the baby was not going to grow so large that it wouldn't fit out…nature doesn’t work that way.
Despite my efforts to boost her confidence she ended up with an ‘emergency’ c/s, and the ‘lovely’ ob told her, while stitching her up, that she should never attempt a vaginal birth again. What a fucking joke.
I am so angry for her, and I am the only one.
She was fucked over by the system, classic case of ‘failure to wait’, they were all too happy to blame her ‘tiny’ pelvis for their eagerness to cut her baby out…hell, they pushed her to have an epidural in labour ‘just in case’ they had to go to theatre!!!
Everyone else buys into the shit the ‘nice’ ob said, he is ‘nice’ and an ob, so he MUST be right! There’s no possible way that the fucking HUGE 6lb baby could possibly get out!
Because I am not afraid to vocalise my thoughts about what happened, I get odd looks from the family. Because I dare to question the legitimacy of the ‘emergency’, I get odd looks.
Because I dare to say that I don’t think c/s’s are safe, I get odd looks. I get the fucking ‘choice’ speech…I get the ‘c/s’s have their place’ speech.
No shit moron! They have their place…in REAL emergencies.
Not emergencies like the ob is too fucking impatient to wait for a labouring woman to dilate at her own speed.
When I was mentally ill and shouting out for a c/s I was enabled. People were more than happy to reinforce my fears and support me for a c/s.
Now that I am well and want a REAL birth, I am doubted, I am questioned, I get odd looks, I am expected to justify my feelings, and I receive much less support from those around me IRL.
C/s, not a solution for birth trauma.
